Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

After having ERO (New Zealand Government's Education Review Office) come in term one [you may have noticed my radio/internet silence over that term], we are expecting our report any day now.  As a result, at staff meeting today we thought about what we do well and hoped ERO would have seen and we brainstormed what we are looking to improve in the next phase of teaching.

One of the things we as a staff, feel we do well, is building strong relationships with our kids.

It's something I would say I have a strength in too. Others have also observed to me that my kids relate really well to each other and I think this is connected too. The other day, I was asked by a visiting educator what I did that made my kids so different and was at a bit of a loss to explain at the time, so I've been thinking about it since and here's my thoughts...

I think there are two key elements to setting up a positive classroom culture.

1. Love Them (and make sure they know it)

Kids are pretty astute. If they don't think you care about them, they don't see why they should care about you. I think that is why relievers have such a rough road if they are only in the classroom once or twice. Without that connection they just don't have buy in from the kids. The kids can't see the point in putting in all the effort to grow a relationship with someone who is only there for a day.

I think step one of creating a cool classroom culture for me is showing the kids I love them. I say showing because actions speak louder than words (for most kids). 

I am a strong believer in Gary Chapman's theory of 5 love languages.

He has a version relating to kids (Disclaimer: I haven't read this particular book. I've learnt about it from other books and a course but I hear good things about it, so if you're a reader, let me know what you think.)

www.5lovelanguages.com also has a range of resources and some easy assessments you and your students can do online to help you figure out your love languages.

I found that responding to the kids using their love languages has helped to reduce attention seeking behaviour too. When they know how to positively get the attention they need to feel loved and accepted, they don't resort to the effective but disruptive methods.

The love languages are: 

Words Of Affirmation - These are the kids who just light up when you praise them. Or it might be that they light up when their peers praise them. I've had kids who behaved better when they had the affirmation from their peers. It wasn't so important what I said. I needed to set up situations for that child to bask in their peer's verbal encouragement.

Quality Time - These kids need time with friends or with you. It's normally 1-1 time with you or a buddy. Again, it's important to work out if it's your attention they need or a peer's attention. Sometimes it doesn't matter, they just need some 1-1 time with someone, anyone.

Gift Givers - These kids are the ones who always give you something. If you drop a little something their way occasionally, a card, a message, a random unearned lolly, that will make their day. But it's important to note that often a gift giver does not delight in receiving gifts as they feel they need to return the gesture. I often find that these kids need to be told about love languages and other ways they can show they care so that they aren't taken advantage of. They need to understand that they can show their love in other ways without buying or earning returned affection. These kids often love Words of Affirmation or Physical Contact in return.

Physical Contact - This is such a taboo topic when it comes to schools. But it's sooooo important. I was so pleased when the Teacher's Council changed their code of conduct to allow hugs again. There are two reasons for this. For some kids, turning down a hug is equal to complete rejection. It's like them saying "I love you" and you responding "whatever". Some are too little to understand about political correctness and such and even if they do understand that in their heads, their little hearts don't always follow. Also, it's a sad reality for some children, that the only place they learn appropriate physical contact with an adult is at school. If we are not demonstrating to them how to say "No thank you, I don't want a hug right now" or things like, how long it's ok to hug before you have to let go, then how do they learn that? Even healthy parental contact generally has very different boundaries to other safe adult contact in a child's life. We need to be helping them to learn this.

Yes, you do have to be careful to keep things clear and above board, but you can do that easily enough. 

- Let the kids know you are open to hugs and then let them initiate the hug. 

- Try to only hug the kids when there are lots of other kids or other adults around. I have the added benefit of having a wall of windows at the front of my class so there are often adults wandering past. If there aren't others in the classroom, walk outside with the kid so you're safely visible.

- I'm not a guy but I'm guessing for male teachers the hug thing is just too risky so give the kids high fives, lay a hand on their back as you praise them, or lay your hands on their shoulders as you encourage them. Younger kids may like to hold your hand on the way to the library or gym where you are clearly visible.

-Most importantly, don't forget to speak 'boy' - "Hey Miss A! Betcha can't catch me." Is Year Six and Seven boy speak for "I want a hug but I'm too cool to admit." If you are anything like me, you'll only catch them if they WANT to be caught.

Recently after one of the younger kids sat on my knee during shared book time after hurting themselves on the playground, my kids decided that this was a new classroom routine. They ALL wanted their chance. I was surprised and amused when even the Year 6 boys and girls wanted to sit on my knee. Luckily the boss gave me her very comfy office chair the week before. I don't think my favourite white wicker chair would have coped! I guess the moral is, let kids be kids. We often complain that they grow up to fast but sometimes we take away their kiddie delights before they are ready to give them up!

(Of course, there are still times when you just want to put your feet up and read without the extra weight of a big kid, but most of the time it's good. Plus, it serves the quality time kids as well as the physical contact ones.)

We also use the restorative practice system to help the kids focus on restoration rather than "justice" and punishments. It takes some explaining for the little policemen in the class who think there should be a punishment for a mistake but when you take them through the process they learn to restore the relationships, put the situation right as best they can, and empathize with consequences that others have suffered through their actions. They are then more aware of others rather than simply the consequences and punishments for themselves.

At the end of the day, when you as the teacher, demonstrates a genuine love for your students, they follow your lead and begin to do the same for each other. I'm not saying they don't have their moments. There are still 22 children in one room, but for the most part they are caring, respectful and encouraging to each other.

2. Clear Boundaries

One of the most surprising things I've found in my teaching is the fact that being more strict seems to gain more love and respect from the students than being wishy washy and trying to be their friend. It's one of those great reversals. You stop trying to be their friend and somehow end up more friendly with them than if you were actually trying. 

I think this is particularly true with the boys. They like to know you are in control. If you are in control, they don't have to be. Not to compare children to dogs but it's a bit like a pack mentality. Someone has to be in charge. Everyone is happy to follow the leader but if there isn't one, they'll fight it out to find the strongest and then they'll all follow that person.

I'm not quite into the "don't smile till Easter" mentality but I definitely think coming in clear and strong is important. Once you have the authority settled you can start to play up and be humorous and have a bit of fun. Once you know you can bring them back to calm and settled afterwards.

The saying 'reprimand the behavior not the child' is also a good one to keep in mind. I often say, "I still love you but that's really not cool" or something to that effect and I use inclusive group statements like "we don't do that here." 

The biggest thing I've found is that often, if it's not a fun environment for you, it's not for them either. They're often totally happy to run with you in making things better so put it back on them. Verbalise how things are and what you (including the kids) want it to be like. Let them have their say and they'll jump on board and help each other to step up.

In the end...

It all really comes down to love. If they trust that you love them. They'll usually trust your rules and your judgement. I'm not saying it's some miracle cure. There are some pretty tough classes out there, and some pretty amazing teachers who work with them. It takes some real grit, determination and out of the box thinking to crack those tough nuts, but I do think love and genuine care is a pretty awesome place to start.